Acts of Faith
Early start today since I need to be home early to watch my foster son while my wife is out. I leave for the beach at about 6:15 and it is still dark.
Despite the low tide, sharks are attacking the Baby Beach picnic area
When I get to the parking lot, the early morning light is starting to show. I start with a 6 mile run into the harbor.
Its been a rough morning. I woke up around three in a sort of anxiety cloud. This has been happening to me every now and then over the past few months. Not often but it is never pleasant. I managed to go a couple years without any of these after we moved down to California. The move and a bunch of pre-move stuff was super stressful and I’d wake up convinced the house would collapse and therefore never sell or that we would somehow go penniless in the process of moving to a new house in California. None of that happened and in fact pretty much the opposite transpired.
Today is the similar type of stuff. These worries come into my head that are not necessarily totally unrealistic but visions of the worst case scenarios crash like waves and I feel like I am living in those realities. I’m familiar enough with these episodes to know that I am having them and I pretty much just have to wait them out. Even though I logically know that these thoughts are just thoughts, I can physically feel the pressure roll over my mind. I have a collection of “counter-thoughts” I employ and they can be somewhat helpful but not enough to transform the situation.
I eventually get up and proceed to do a 30 minute sitting meditation which is part of my morning routine every morning. The meditation is an act of faith. I let the thoughts and feelings roll over me without trying to stop them. I watch how they make me feel. My breath is an anchor. After this I always recite the Lord’s Prayer. This too is an act of faith. Every line I question but hold close. My run feels like an act of faith. My swim is definitely an act of faith. Each of these acts ground me to a belief that if I can just focus on what is happening right now and lean into hope, salvation is on the other side.
My morning workout almost always ends up lifting this cloud and today is no different. I’ve been accused of being addicted to exercise and I know there are times when it becomes an attachment and I feel totally not right if I go without. However, after decades of dealing with depression and bad energy and learning what keeps it at bay, I’ll gladly feed this addiction in favor of the alternative.
When I finish my run I change into my swim trunks. It is cloudy but it is not a non permeable cloud cover like yesterday was. Today I can see some light poking through which gives the beach a more cheery demeanor.
I head down the stairs and am moving faster than normal because I don’t have time to dilly dally today. When I get to the ramp just before the sand, I see about 10 kayaks on the water heading north.
Surfline’s water temperature reading went from 65 to 69 yesterday afternoon. I don’t believe it. I believed the 65 after yesterday’s swim but it doesn’t seem like there was enough heat or southern wind to bring the temperature up that much. I’m wondering what the forecasters at Surfline are doing. How are they gathering this data? I imagine there is some kind of scatter graph of temps in various spots and times. I have no doubt that the water was 69 degrees in some specific spot at some specific point in time. Maybe this is a sort of “glass half full” forecaster choosing the best possible data point and projecting it as the norm. Perhaps this is a sort of “fake it until you make it” move. “If I declare the temperature as 69, then it will become 69.” If the entire surf community believes it, then reality will certainly follow. Or maybe it is a sadistic move like “I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they get in that water and realize it is not 69. That spring suit isn’t going to grow arms my friends. That’s right…squirm!”
Anyways, I am thinking all of this as I step into the water and ya know what? It is definitely warmer than yesterday. I’m not so sure about 69 but I’ll totally settle for 66 or 67.
The swim is great. The water is glassy and comfortable. Seems a little more brown than yesterday especially in the southern half but not as bad as earlier last week.
I’m just going to enjoy this water. I’m just going to lose myself in the movement of each stroke. I’m pushing a little harder today as I am cognizant of time and I feel the exertion. It’s all good. The cloud of anxiety finds a gap in the clouds above to make its escape. Also the clouds are beautiful.
I finish up and head up the stairs. When I get to my car I realize I have made great time which allows me another wave of relief that I gladly accept.
