Left the house at about 9:45 this morning. It’s a beautiful sunny morning. Things have definitely been on the cold side all week but today’s winds are calm at least.

I get to the parking lot and start my descent of the stairs and I remember to lock my car today.

When I get to the asphalt ramp just above the sand, I can see a couple pods of dolphins in the water which is not too common in February.

The tide is low and the water feels about as cold on my feet as it did Monday. The water is mostly calm but there are some decent sets of waves rolling in every few minutes. They are still breaking pretty far outside.

I begin to walk out into the water and like Monday, it is a relatively long walk to the surfline. I start the swim well in shore of that line and dive under a few oncoming waves.

It’s cold. I would say that today is the coldest swim of the season so far. Tuesday had strong onshore winds all day long that likely resulted in some upwelling leading to cooler temperatures. It takes me longer than usual to feel warm and I wonder if the initial cold will ever work itself out of my system.

When I get to the south end of the swim, it feels like the waves are a bit larger (not huge) and closer to my turnaround point today and I begin to head back north without spending much time at all taking my usual pics from this spot. Plus it’s cold! I want to keep moving.

In several spots on the swim back to the Salt Creek end I pass through what seems like cauldrons of unsettled water. The surface is particularly bouncy here as if it was full of hundreds of recreational swimmers who just got out of the pool.

I’m doing pretty good at remaining razor focused on each stroke forward. Every now and then I catch my mind slip into a state of mild concern as the cold gets more intense but I am determined to just keep moving forward.

There are all sorts of thoughts that could be racing through my head right now. I attended a small church group last night that I have not been able to get out of my head since. Someone made a comment about how they used to wonder why Jesus sends people to hell but then realized that he was trying to save them through grace and that their eternal destiny is actually their own choice. These comments should be no surprise to me. It is the status quo of mainstream Western Christianity. But oh man it bothers me on so many levels.

First, according to this worldview, God created the whole sin/righteousness/damnation/depravity/atonement/salvation system. If he is absolutely sovereign in this setup, then he is responsible for the existence of this very choice and created the consequences. Second, the expectation that a normal modern human should believe in a miraculous event that occurred 2000 years ago in order to avoid eternal torment seems excessive, unrealistic and unfair. Third, is this really how the “physics” of the spiritual realm and the afterlife are composed? Is it really based on the fact that in the first year of creation, the very first human made a mistake and so now holy blood has to be shed to fix it? And it requires an intellectual acknowledgement of this fact to gain salvation? Is God that vindictive that he requires a blood atonement for sin? Is belief in a historical event the pathway to grace? I totally get why this would make sense to a first century Jew and believe it is a fitting story for a human raised in that context. However I think the story lacks contemporary relevance and can only be expected to fall flat for most 21st century citizens.

I’m also bothered by my inner conflict to share my views on this matter in this group. I remained silent. The thing is I like these people and think they are incredibly well intentioned. If I start saying things along the lines of my own beliefs, it could totally change the dynamic of the group. I don’t want people to think, “oh I don’t want to bother Matt so I won’t say that or express this opinion.” I am definitely not going to win any argument here. They are not going to be persuaded and I don’t even want to have an argument. I guess I wish I could be heard and perhaps expose a different view without it being a big thing or disturbance. I also feel like it is just a matter of time before I do express myself and I worry what will happen. Whatever happens, I would like it to add value and edification to the group. However I am all too familiar with this mindset. Many would not take it well at all even though they might be nice about it and I don’t want to cause division.

One thing someone said right after this comment was something to the effect of how this choice is all about choosing the flesh vs. the spirit, which I take to mean as choosing a path of destruction vs. eternal life. I’ve heard this theme so often and it strikes me as ignorant. In one sense I totally believe this. I think there are choices we make for ourselves that absolutely affect the quality of our destiny. However, I wonder if a lot of Christians simply think of flesh vs. spirit as believing in Jesus vs. not believing in Jesus and that the latter only leads to depravity. Church life is full of people sharing testimonies about their terrible life before Christ. Maybe they were into Eastern Religion (gasp) and got all messed up and then found Jesus and were transformed for the good. Ok. I actually think that is great if that is their experience and I do think it is the experience of many. However, I have heard many many similar testimonies of individuals who got messed up in the church and then found, say, Zen or some other non-Christian spirituality and were given a new path of hope and meaning. I think humans have the capacity to screw up and get screwed over by anything and then find redemption and transformation in a big big big well of life that is all around us.

As I was driving home last night, part of me wondered if I could continue to participate in that group and church. Comments like the ones said just push me into a litany of internal debate and it is not pleasant. One might ask, for good reason, why not go back to something like Zen that feels more philosophically natural to me. I love Zen, but I feel like it is someone else’s spirituality. Christianity is home and I now believe that it is powerfully meaningful if held with the right amount of tenderness and curiosity, at least for me. I find that its themes of love, grace and justice and even the call to worship and exalt Jesus speak to who I am and my civilization of origin. I also feel strongly compelled to make some amount of peace with evangelicalism. Maybe this is totally misguided - seriously - maybe it is. While there have been some unpleasantly awkward times and thoughts, in the end I feel like it is leading me to some point of resolution. I feel like I need to embed myself in this for now and love these people - certainly not because they need my love, but I need to love them.