Dory is My Guru

I left the house at about 9:45 this morning.

I’ve been sick the last few days and have not worked out at all since Wednesday (today is Saturday). I think it has been over a year and maybe two since I have gone two days without strenuous aerobic exercise. I am still not fully back to 100% - more like 80% - but I really want to get into the water. There is a storm coming in with rain all day tomorrow and Monday and then more forecasted for next weekend so I want to get while the getting is good.

It’s a beautiful morning. Clear skies mostly with a large cloud bank on the horizon.

Just as I am merging on to PCH south, the thought hits me - did I pack my goggles? I stick my hand in my back pack and fish around to discover that no, I did not pack my goggles.

I make a U-turn near the Arco station and head back home to get the goggles.

I am hoping that this is not some hidden message my body is sending me that if I am too ill to remember to pack my goggles, then maybe I shouldn’t be swimming out into open water. Message deleted.

I get to the parking lot and the water looks super nice. It is smooth and a beautiful blue color. There must be about 10 smaller craft boats out on the water perhaps tending their lobster traps.

Like Tuesday, I have no cold water dread this morning. Wow, I can definitely get used to this. I just want to get in that water. There is some irrational side of myself that hopes the water will eliminate whatever is left of my sickness. Like one of those high pressure cold air blowers you use for cleaning computer keyboards and other tight spaces.

On the beach the sun feels great. Even though we are still in the 50’s, I feel warm. The water does not feel bad either but I also feel like my internal measuring instruments are completely out of calibration. Mainly I just feel glad to be here.

I head out into the water. Surf is still small today so I am nearly past the surf line before the water gets above my waist. Then a small set of waves appear and I dive under the first one.

I feel this sort of crackling sensation inside of me. Like electricity when jumper cables are attached to the wrong ports on a car battery. The cold comes over me instantaneously. It’s not a bad thing but the force is somewhat unexpected.

I begin to swim and just try to embrace this cold. To take it in and receive what it has to give.

In a couple minutes the intensity seems to subside and I can relax into the water.

The water is very clear. Almost as clear as Tuesday. No Pyrosomes today though.

As I relax more and more, the water feels better and better. Oddly I am thinking of this scene from Finding Nemo that I was hearing last night lying next to my two year old foster son. I was about 25% asleep at the time and I guess my mind was in a suggestive state. The scene is when Dory and Nemo’s dad are stuck inside of a whale. Dory, a fish that suffers from short term memory loss, claims that she can speak whale and is communicating with the whale. Nemo’s dad, a clown fish, thinks this is all ridiculous and tries to convince her that she cannot speak whale. Dory insists that she can. Nemo’s dad is certain that he is about to be part of this whale’s lunch. Dory claims she is having a conversation with the whale. Then Dory says, “He says we should let go now. Everything is going to be ok.” Nemo’s dad yells, “how can you be sure!” Dory responds, “I can’t!” And then both Dory and Nemo’s dad are blown through the whale’s blow hole to safety.

That whole dialog really struck me in a way I don’t think the authors intended but who knows? You have these three characters here: Dory, Nemo's dad and the whale. In my mind at the time, the whale is like God or the universe. Dory is like our unencumbered, “go with the flow,” in the moment self. Nemo’s dad is our rational and fearful self (I am not suggesting fear and logic are tightly coupled).

We find ourself in this situation where we feel like we are gonna be the universe’s lunch. Things seem impossible and there does not appear to be a way out. Then we just stop digging our feet into the sand or trying to swim against the rapids and it might feel like we are giving up. It feels like the opposite of what we “should” be doing. A side of ourselves demands to know how can we be sure we will be ok. The truth is we just don’t. Somehow we have entered a space where we surrender our certainty.

I think this is faith or trust. I don’t think faith is synonymous with certainty or the opposite of doubt. Faith is probably a lot of things but I think the willingness to listen to Dory and follow through with what she is telling us in spite of our doubts is one manifestation of faith.

Especially when it comes to the grand outcomes of life, there is never certainty. I am reminded of Seinfeld’s “soup Nazi” and imagine him telling us “No certainty for you!”

So I think as I listen to Finding Nemo, which I probably will be doing about 1000 more times given my foster son’s love for the movie, I’ll try to see if Dory has any other bits of wisdom to convey.

The rest of the swim is great but the cold gets pretty intense. I watch my mind create these scenes of my demise like Nemo’s dad would probably do, and then I just focus on relaxing both my mind and my body. I can feel the tense all through me like I am clenching all of my muscles. When I relax, the thoughts of doom and gloom dissipate. The cold does not go away but it is just cold.

I finish up and walk back to my backpack. The sun feels super good but I still feel the desire to towel off and put on a sweatshirt.

I see some Sand Pipers and Curlews running with the waves in the sand just before I begin my ascent up to the stairs.

As I reach the parking lot I take in the beauty of the coastline I am viewing from the bluff. As I drive home, I head up Palisades road (gotta stop at Sprouts for some necessities) and the view toward the harbor and the southern end of the point is stunning.