Things are more on the overcast side this morning but it’s not 100%. At my house there is lots of blue sky but not so much at the beach.

I leave at 6:30 and most of the drive has a sunny sort of feeling. At the Strand parking lot it is largely cloud covered but I can still sense the increased light as the sun sneaks through this perforated sky.

I leave my pack in the car again. I’m wondering if I will be bringing it down again before November. As I put my keys in my lock box I verbally tell myself I am doing so to avoid any confusion in the water like I had yesterday wondering if I had remembered to do so.

I head down the stairs and the walk feels a little more chilly than yesterday. Am I sure I don’t want that pack? It’s mostly pleasant and it’s nice to just head straight for the water without messing with the pack.

It’s beautiful on the beach. The tide is low and there are less than a handful of humans on the shore. It feels half sunny and half cloudy (probably because it is). The surf is super small.

I start to head out and soon start swimming. The water feels a tad warmer today. I wonder if it is the water or if it is me. The difference is noticeable but also subtle and there are probably a number of my own internal variables influencing how I feel in the water on any given swim.

I swim south and I must say one nice feature of this cloud cover is the blocking of the sun in my eyes especially in these early morning hours. Yesterday I had to keep my eyes closed above water through much of the southern swim. Today I can see clearly and what I see is all good.

I’m in better spirits today than yesterday and am able to enjoy the swim much more. I had written half my blog post in the morning yesterday and had stopped at a whole paragraph describing my state of stress and self loathing. When I finished it at night I deleted that paragraph because it was pathetic and was not helping me.

I reflect on this contrast today. I can’t necessarily think of anything that happened between then and now that dispersed the bad juju. I wonder what is the path to freedom and I also wonder about that act of wondering itself. I have at times seen both in myself and others this desire to be better so we analyze our lives and our past and our thought patterns and come up with models of who we “truly” are and what we need to do or how we need to reimagine ourselves in order to have a better experience of life. Then these models start to crush us. Their brittleness is exposed. We uncover contradictions right in front of us that prove them wrong under certain circumstances. We think these models depict a more pure representation of our reality but they begin to seem just as arbitrary as what we had labeled the lies of our past.

I realize I have no rational answer to transcend this sort of conundrum and achieve “true freedom.” Our idea of freedom is also a model. I don’t think models are necessarily bad. I do think they are inevitable and we are going to create them like it or not. Some models seem better suited to some at certain times of life but not so great for others or for all phases of life. I wonder if maybe it is helpful to just be aware of the model as a model. Go ahead and embrace what is working but don’t fight tooth and nail to keep it alive when it starts to break down.

As I think of this here in the water, the reoccurring thought that comes is “just keep moving forward.” Whether it is stress in the water or out of the water, the best we can do is show up and give the moment our best shot and just head for that next moment. There will be suffering. It’s not fun and sometimes excruciating, but the only way forward is through.

I think of much of the Christian talk I have been exposed to this year and this idea of “conversion” and dying to the old self and being reborn to a new self. On one level I think that is beautiful and I embrace it within the realm of mystery. On the plane of concrete reality it doesn’t jive the you have two pools - the Christian pool where everyone has been reborn and “free from the bondage of sin” so to speak. Then in the other pool are the “unbelievers” who live for the flesh and headed towards eternal suffering. This idea sounds like it was conjured up by someone who doesn’t get out much.

On the one hand I know people who truly had the experience of meaningful and lasting and significant change upon becoming a Christian. I’m not going to question their experience or say they are wrong. I’m certain this happens to many who convert as adults and have had a life ravaged by hardships of various sorts or even those with tamer backgrounds but lacked any sort of model to support their experience of life. I can see how such a person would digest their experience and then want to overlay it onto the rest of humanity. Surely everyone should and must have the experience I had to be free.

As someone who grew up with this model and had the experience of seeing many swimming in the Christian pool who suffered greatly and caused great suffering for others, I just look at all of this so differently. Sure I believe that faith in Jesus leads to freedom aka eternal life - a poetic image to me as a life overflowing with the fullness of eternity outside of time. However, I notice how this belief waxes and wanes and my “salvation” follows the same pattern. This faith is not activated (or act as a catalyst of activation) by a one time transformation from lost to saved. I see faith as a posturing of the mind and spirit. A posturing toward our divinity (whatever that is) which evades any model or idea and does not guarantee happy shiny thoughts 24/7.

So right now I have faith in the Green Monster I suppose. I look ahead to the bluffs forming along Monarch Beach - the greens and browns and the vast stretch of water between me and them and the endless sky above. I’m not going to figure anything out right here but I can get to that buoy.

All throughout the swim today I can feel a nonending stream of waves rolling east. The water is mostly smooth and these are not the small wakes that bob up and down. I proceed in an undulating fashion gradually ascending a rounded crest and then gliding down its back side. I think of this and how small the surf is. It’s not like there is a huge swell in the water causing these rolling waves so far past the line of surf. I find it interesting how every swell is slightly different. It’s like swinging your arm along the surface in a pool and creating wave like formations. You can change the shape, direction and speed of your arm and get a similar but very different artificial wave.

When it is time for me to head back to shore, I come across a large school of fish hanging out on the floor. They are medium sized translucent things and look like they are all over the place. Then I just see sand. I keep swimming and reach to see if I can touch the sand. I can’t and eventually just stand up and call it a swim.