Good Riddance

Another cloudy morning in Dana Point but no rain at least.

I leave the house at about 8:30. As I pass Doheny, I notice a lot of solo fishing vessels spread out just outside of the harbor outlet. It looks like there are over 20 of them.

When I get to the Strand parking lot, the ocean surface is looking much smoother than it was yesterday. Well it’s before 10:00 and the water is usually calmer at this time.

When I get to the shore, it’s high tide. I also notice how my drill hole rock is now just on the sand. Last winter and spring, one had to climb to get to this rock. The faint make-shift trail above the rocks is now only about chest high.

I see two figures out in the water. Without my glasses I can’t tell if they are marine life or people. Then I see two fins (the man-made sort) pop out above the surface and I figure they must be divers.

I walk out into the water. The surf report says the waves are 3 to 4 feet but that sems bigger than what we have here. However the report also says there is a wait for the larger sets.

I start swimming south. I’m grateful that the water is not as turbulent as it was yesterday. In fact it’s not turbulent at all. So the swim has more of a relaxed vibe today.

My goggles keep leaking and fogging up so I pause every now and then to empty them until I finally get a good seal. However they are still foggy which kind of distorts my trajectory. When I get to the southern end, the outside rocks and the caves at the end of the point look abnormally close. Then I look inland and the beach is much further away than usual.

I turn around and head back north trying to point myself inland as well. About a third of the way up the beach, I see one of those solo fishing vessels. I see these fairly often. They are like a canoe but all rigged up with fishing gear. I look further out and then I see several more - just like what I saw while passing Doheny. There must be some kind of a fishing event going on here today.

I have this feeling of unease inside of me this morning. I don’t know how to describe it. It is a sensation that I have experienced off and on for the last 40 years. It’s just a sense of being not right with the world. It is a sort of disorienting feeling because I just can’t articulate it or even explain it to myself. I want to explain it to myself because I want it to go away. I have memories from my 20’s of feeling like this and not knowing how to make things right. Back then I was not quite as attuned to its nuances and I would try to change my external circumstances to put myself in a better place. Sometimes this resulted in kind of ridiculous behavior: maybe if I could find the right coffee house or the right book I will feel right with the world. Right now I want to enter into the center of the feeling itself. Like the only way out is to let it pass through me. Rather than translating the feeling into coherent words, I focus on the images it raises into my mind. I see this ephemeral blob of dark blue and purple hovering around and inside of me and pressing against my chest. It’s the best image I can conjure to visualize what it makes me feel.

So in the water I try to swim deeper and deeper into that blue and purple cloud. I try to capture how it makes me feel and I try to forget about what I “think” of it. If I can open myself enough to this cloud, would it finally escape my skin and not come back? Or could I come to a place where my relationship with it changes and I can coexist with it. Or maybe I could come to a better understanding of its origin.

Regardless of the yucky blue and purple cloud, this swim feels good. The water is dark and except for when I am nearly at the shore, I don’t see the ocean floor at all today. It is peaceful here.

I finish up and the water feels like it is gaining some texture and activity since I entered it.

I head back up the stairs. A woman asks me if the water is warm and I give her an emphatic “yes” and mention that it is in the 70’s. She tells me how good the ocean is for me and that I should do this every day. I tell her that I think she is absolutely right. She says all of this with such conviction that I assume she must be an ocean swimmer as well. I ask her if she gets into the water often and she says that she used to but she is a grandmother now and it has become a sort of obsession.

I rinse off and change into fresh clothes and definitely feel better now than when I got into the water. The day feels open to possibility and I feel more at ease. I look over the bluff toward the water and there is a sort of blue and purple shadow floating out to sea further and further and I say good riddance!