I Can’t See the Houses
I started out early this morning. Ed Piorek is speaking in Laguna Beach at 10:00 and I want to shower first and warm up so I’m not going through afterdrop shivers during the first half of the service. This ended up being a good plan because the afterdrop was strong today.
I left my house at 6:25 and the air temperature was 51 degrees. When I got to the beach, surface conditions were smooth and let me tell you the water was cold. I mean it seemed like the coldest all year. I got an ice cream headache after the initial plunge and I have not felt that since the 2020/2021 winter.
Surf is definitely down a notch from yesterday but still some decent size but not scary. I manage to reach the south end of the beach and there are no crazy waves like yesterday at the rocks. I turn around and head north. One thing that often happens on a sunrise swim on a clear day is that you get blinded by the sun looking east. However it is looking east (the shore) that I get my directional bearings. I can’t really tell where I am. Its not as bad as it sounds. If I stop and stare at the shore long enough, I eventually start to make out the major land marks.
The cold is starting to sink in. Its usually about 30 to 40 minutes into a super cold swim that things start to get uncomfortable. I’m finding that my thoughts are getting anxious. I’ve totally done this hundreds of times now. I think I have come to the point where I have the confidence that I can do this without injury. Today my paranoia is getting the best of me. My guess is that I’m not mentally prepared for this cold. Last year, the water reached 60 at the end of March and never dipped below that all Spring. This year has been different. Two weeks ago it got to about 62 and was glorious. I assumed that was the end of the 50’s for the season and mentally closed the door on the cold. “See you later sweet cold, until next Winter!” Well now it is back. I need to calm my thoughts and embrace it while it is here because that’s all I can really do. We can only move forward through our challenges. Thoughts will arise and trick us. They will try to tell us that the worst is on the horizon.
When I get cold like this I often ask myself the question, “Am I suffering?” I’m really not. It’s not like I am stuck in some icy hell wanting to scream out in anguish. There is just this low grade panic that sets in. I’m definitely feeling “different.” I can definitely acknowledge that this is indeed super cold. It seems wrong and I begin to project the worst. I see how I do this outside of the water too. I’ll have some interaction with someone and my mind plays tricks on me and I become convinced that they hate me. I’m afraid that some innocuous thing that I said was totally inappropriate and they are seething in their offence at my words and rightly so. I start to create an alternate drama in my head that is far removed from what is really happening. The best thing to do in these situations is acknowledge this manufactured drama and just take another step forward. I may still feel stuck in the drama but all I can do is take step by step through this fear and eventually it passes. Sometimes sooner. Sometimes later.
Today I decide to end the swim early like I did yesterday. The fact is that I got a bit of a late start and I really should get back if I am gonna get to Laguna Beach by 10. So I finally get my bearings and identify the house where I always begin the swim. Then I swim in. I get to my backpack and the after drop comes super strong. So strong I am shaking intensely as I make my way up the stairs. My thoughts feel like a tempest of garbled I don’t know what. As I pass people coming down I try to look normal so they don’t ask me if I need help. Oddly, I find if I just relax, I can achieve a bit of normalcy at least temporarily.
I get to my car and turn on the heater full blast. I am shaking and shaking. This will all pass. As I compose myself and drive home I start to feel “guilty” for ending the swim early. Then I start to feel bad for feeling guilty. However, I end this vicious cycle right here! I do not feel bad for feeling bad that I feel bad!
Ends up this really was a good decision. I got to Ed’s sermon pretty much just in time. It was a beautiful talk about God’s love. So glad I went.
