Is This Joy?

Its overcast and chilly this morning in Dana Point. It’s about 50 degrees out when I get up at 5:30 but it feels a little warmer by the time I leave for the beach at about 7:25. Here at home in Capo Beach, I look up at the sky and can see small patches of blue poke through the clouds. I can tell this will all burn off by some time later this morning. However I am on a schedule this Easter morning and can’t wait for that to happen.

As I head through the Lantern District and approach The Strand, the cloud cover seems to grow more dense. I am losing those patches of blue sky. There is just a solid grey mass over the water. It’s no matter. I’m glad to be here. As I head down the stairs, I cross paths with another open water swimmer that I see from time to time and we chat a bit. Of course water temperature is the dominant topic of conversation. He just got back from the Florida Keys where the water was 80 degrees. That will not be the case here. The water temp has dipped again over the last couple days due to some moderate northwest afternoon winds. However it is a minor dip. I imagine the water will be between 57 and 59 which is totally fine. It’s not 60 but it is also not 55. It’s just cold in an ordinary, no big deal kind of a way.

Sand has come up on the beach at least a foot. There is just a small little step from the ramp to the sand. Another open water swimmer stands on the beach waiting for the rest of his crew to come to shore. There are about 4 other swimmers in the water making their way back in. He and I talk for a little bit. He says the water is 58 and he says it in a kind of way that tells me he has a thermometer. He speaks with the confidence of accumulated data. “It’s 58” with no hint of a question or any kind of ambivalence. So I stuff that number in my head and I think it pretty much rings true with what I experienced.

As I walk into the water, I intersect with a few of the swimmers that are finishing up. I’m wondering if I can be free to converse because we are in that critical spot of chest to shoulder high water where I would normally start swimming and let my body make its initial adjustments to these new environmental conditions. I decide to engage in conversation and just let the water be what it is right now which is not at all a distraction. After I do begin the swim, the water feels pretty much fine. There is no kind of cold shock response I have to endure. I think the cold from a couple weeks ago bought me some extra points that I am cashing in right now.

I’m heading south and watching every little thing that passes through my body and into my mind and then back out to sea. Last night I posted some pics on Instagram and made a comment about how regardless of what I fee before entering the water, I always feel joy shortly after starting to swim. This is largely true. It’s not an absolute truth. There are days when other forces work through me and the emotional spectra skews in other directions but those days are few and far between.

Over the entire course of the swim, I ask myself “do I feel Joy? Is this Joy?” I’m feeling particularly stressed this week. I am buying a house that I will not be living in and is not what one would consider an “investment” and there is a lot of signatures and dollars that I need to submit. I wonder what the aftermath will be. Various scenarios materialize in my head and they all are within the realm of possibility and some are darker than others. Do I feel Joy? Is this Joy?

Well I am absolutely glad that I am here. I feel cold. One might wonder what in the world do those two statements have to do with one another? It might seem like an either or type of thing. Are you glad to be here? Or are you cold? I didn’t quite get you. Yes I am glad to be here and yes I am cold. And it’s not like I’m glad to be here because I am cold. Sure, if I had my way the water would be 70 degrees.

Somehow this cold demands my mind’s attention. It becomes something to watch that cannot be not-watched. As I watch the cold, I have to submit to it. I have to let myself feel it. I have to trust it and I have to trust myself. I watch as my submission and surrender provides peace in the cold, but it does not take the cold away. I rest in the fact that I will be warmer when I need to be warmer. If I want to be here then I have to be cold and I really really want to be here.

I think of the money flying out of my bank account like a fire hose. Yes money does this when you buy houses. It’s just the way of things. I have to trust. I have to trust this reality that I live in. Call the forces that be what you want: God, the universe, source, the energy that runs through all of us. I have to trust that the money will flow to wherever it will and I will continue to keep moving forward. That does not even mean that everything will end with a traditionally happy ending where I live long and prosper. Even if things go sour, I have to trust.

So the swim is great but maybe not great in the sense where I want to stop and shout out to everyone on the beach, “hey this is so great!” But I am very grateful for what I am being given right now. I am happy to see what I see, smell what I smell and feel what I feel.

This seems like a great way to end the post but I just have to recount a few facts because this swim would not be what it was without them. First, the water was particularly shallow again at the south end of the beach even way out past the big rock. You know that big rock right? Of course you do. Small waves are breaking where waves usually do not break. I think I am past the surf when all of a sudden a wave breaks right in front of me. It’s small and soft and there is an offshore wind that blows the water off the crest and it looks really cool. Second, there are birds flying overhead when I reach the north end of the beach. I don’t think they are Pelicans but gulls. They are fun to watch. There are a good number of them.

Lastly as I walk back up the stairs, I run into Christie. I met her a few weeks ago at this exact same spot and she is very pleasant to talk to. She loves the dolphins. I mean who doesn’t? However I appreciate the tone she uses when she mentions them. As I walk to my car after showering off, I feel grateful that I can come to this beach and have these delightful interactions with people talking about the things we see and feel here at this wonderful beach.