Keeping out the Crazy

Definitely a kinder, gentler beach today than it was a week ago today on Mother’s day. It’s mostly sunny and hardly any surf to speak of. However there is a thick fog bank hanging several hundred feet out. It’s hard to know what it will do. If it will move, stay put or go away. I guess I’ll find out. It’s about 6:30 and the water feels pretty good on my feet. I start to swim out and I’d say it’s about 59ish pushing 60. So colder than last week but it really is a beautiful morning here.

As I am swimming south, the sun is shining at eye level just above the bluff where the parking lot sits. So I can’t make out the houses - it’s just a silhouette. Eventually I lift my head to look forward and get a sense of where I am. Well here I am - at the southernmost end at the rocks. It’s super pretty here. The water is so still. There is no one around and it is just really peaceful with the cliffs and the water and the rising sun.

I turn to head north. I feel like I am being stung in a few points of my body. It’s not very painful by any means. It is like a very light jelly fish sting. I wonder what this is? Could there be some super small jelly fish out here? Don’t know but some of these stings linger throughout the day.

I’m thinking of this series I have been watching on Hulu: Under the Banner of Heaven based on a real life multiple homicide involving a group of Mormon separatists. I’ve been thinking about how this relates to what I posted yesterday about feelings. As I wrote yesterday, I believe that our feelings are a sort of guidance system and connect us to the energy that is flowing all around and through us. Having access to our full range of feelings enables us to live our lives more fully. I think that our feelings are a conduit to our intuition and creativity and help us to make a path forward in alignment with our true selves. But can our feelings drive us to do crazy and destructive things? In this series, these individuals feel like they are being lead and commanded by God to kill others. This is nothing new or out of the ordinary. We hear about this happening all the time. I remember 30 years ago getting involved with a group of young (low to mid 20’s) Christians who felt like God was always speaking to them. They were not physically harming anyone or contemplating it but they were using this voice to be very manipulative with others in the group. This voice these guys were hearing was leading them to act in very hurtful ways and this “voice” was certainly not coming from anything other than their own egos. However, I was close to these guys and I have no doubt that they thought they were doing the right things with only the purest of intentions. They were not.

So I wonder what makes me so sure I can trust my feelings? How do I know that my feelings will not lead me down some rat hole. Sometimes it seems that some feelings truly have lead me well while others have lead me astray. Looking at the lives of others I have observed some who have leaned upon and trusted their feelings to make decisions that have lead them upon a serendipitous path to success. Others I have watched find a less than desirable outcome. How do I navigate these mysterious feelings and remain on a path bound for wholeness and not get sidetracked and find myself stuck or lost?

First, I don’t fully know. This is way way way more art than science. I can say that as I have gotten older I believe I have gotten better at this navigation, but there will always be failure and there will always be detours and rat holes. None are unrecoverable. Failure is inevitable and instructive One thing I think I have learned recently is to ask myself where these feelings come from. Do they come from a place of fear and scarcity? Do they have a ring to them like you better go this direction or else? or you got to achieve this thing or it will be gone because someone else will beat me to it? Or does it come from a place of love, expansiveness and joy. Does it feel like its the natural route to pursue? Does it just feel right. The other thing I might look for is if it is in line with what is happening in my life right now? Am I trying to force my will toward an outcome that I think will be better than where I see myself headed or am I allowing myself to flow with the energy showing up in my life right now even if it appears to be going in a direction I am unsure about. Can I trust that perhaps something larger than myself is in charge here and let it have control because whether or not I surrender to it, it is in control. I can fight it or I can follow it to a place that may not be what I had ever even closely anticipated but what is in fact the best outcome.

These are just some of the questions I am always asking myself and none of them necessarily holds the correct perspective for every occasion. Sometimes we do need to forge a path toward a vision that is contrary to what we see in front of us. Sometimes we need to fight to escape where we have found ourselves. Sometimes the right thing to do may feel odd and awkward.

We just need to keep marching forward with an intent to know the truth and an openness to be wrong and a heart that puts love first. Every day we wrestle and surrender…wrestle and surrender.

Welp I think I’d like to stop pontificating on this now.

Anyhoo, great swim today. Also, looks like that fog finally did make its way onshore. By mid morning, Dana Point and Laguna Beach were fairly socked in on the coast. Glad I got to the beach when I did!