Left the house at nearly 11 this morning and skies were still completely overcast. This has been the pattern all week. The weekly weather forecast gave the impression that today might be the turning point, but alas, there is no sign of sun. I know it’s up there somewhere. What can I do to help? I am sensing the answer is absolutely nothing.

I get to the beach and it just feels like the sun wants to come out. The pavement is warm on my feet, there is a warm, soft breeze in the air and I feel a sun-like presence on the back of my neck. Even though there is 0 blue in the sky, I hold out hope that will change over the course of the swim. Well I am certainly grateful for the warmth that is here. The water also feels warm on my feet. I mean…not “warm“ according to its technical definition but warm in the sense that it is not cold and I am making the mental adjustments in my head for what this will equate to when I start swimming.

I get in the water and it feels cold. It’s a purely mental cold. My body is just not ready for the shift that comes about via immersion. However I know that shift will take about 5 seconds and will be pretty mellow today followed by goodness. Very little surf on the water but a good amount of bump. I dive in and am proven correct about the aforementioned shift. The water is nice. Surfline has been reporting 66-67 the last couple of days. That is basically perfect as far as I am concerned. Much warmer and I find it a little too cozy.

As I am swimming out I see a Bat Ray cruising just a few feet away. They are larger than the common Sting Rays you see close to shore. Typically the ones I have seen span a few feet across. They are totally non-aggressive. I used to see them all the time when I would spear fish as a kid but have only seen a couple since I have been swimming here these last couple of years. Pretty cool. I see another Calico Bass shortly there after and then that’s it for sea creature sightings.

Today I am letting go into the dreamy thoughts that enter my head. Just watching them float by. I’m in kind of a crappy mood today. I notice this pull inside me that wants to force some positive energy, but I let that go too. I’ve been noticing how lately I feel followed by messages trying to get me to actively shape my environment and future. Let me just say that I totally believe in driving our own outcomes and creating our own destiny. I don’t think “surrender” is about sitting idly by and just letting things happen to us and hoping for the best. I guess it’s complicated? Actually I don’t even think that. I think it is probably so incredibly simple that we can’t get our head around how simple things are and then do quite well at overly complicating things. Even that still doesn’t capture how I feel about all of this but I am way way way digressing from what I wanted to say.

I get all of these “law of attraction” posts in my Facebook feed. They stress that we need to “Manifest!” We need to visualize the future that we want and imagine how it will feel to get it and then it will all come storming through our door. The better we do this. The harder we apply ourselves to this creative visualization, the faster we will manifest! Well isn’t that just great? The funny thing is that I half believe some of these things. I even find some of the popular law of attraction teachings (love you Wayne Dyer! RIP my friend) to be helpful, but I find the vast majority to be bunk. First, it feels like treating the universe like Santa Clause and maybe what we wish for we won’t want when we get it or shouldn’t be wanting it in the first place. Second, it places a bunch of pressure and even shame and guilt on us. It’s our fault if things are crappy. Try harder…try harder. There is no grace here.

Anyways I am thinking this because as I feel kind of depressed about certain stuff and allow myself to fall into the images that come into my mind (which actually are not that dark really), this voice says, “keep thinking and feeling like this Matt and you certainly won’t be manifesting anything good in the near future!” Of fuck you stupid voice. Manifest shmanifest! I don’t know how I feel about the concept of Satan and demons, but I do believe in evil and I find it appropriate that one of the terms attributed to Satan in the bible is “the accuser.” When I think of the ways my mind often works against me, it is as an accuser of who I am at my core. One of my favorite bible verses is Exodus 14:14: “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.” I don’t think this means do nothing. A good part of it is mystery, but I think it is about following the voice in our head that is NOT the accuser and following what we know is right and when we don’t know what is right then hanging on the the intent to do right.

As I near the end of the swim I see a new buoy that is one of the Jr. Lifeguard buoys I remember from last year. It is named Ricky Bobby. This makes me laugh as I think of Will Ferrel in Taladega Nights. By the way, the sun never did come out but the walk back up the stairs is still delightful.