Memory of Hindsight

I left home a little before 10:30 and it’s mostly sunny skies. We had some unforecasted rain yesterday and early this morning but the clouds have definitely parted. Plenty of clouds off in the distance but blue overhead.

I get to the beach parking lot and there is a light breeze and some texture on the water. The ground is warm but it was warm Saturday too and that had absolutely no bearing on the water.

As I walk down the steps I notice the two-tone color of the water. It is a creamy brown for the first 100 feet and then dark blue. It’s been more or less like this for the past week. At first I thought it was residue from the heavy rains but now I think it’s sand. The beach is clearly short on sand these days and there it is sitting just offshore.

I’m trying not to get my mind twisted up in obsessing over the water temperature. I am hoping that things will be getting back to sane levels soon but it’s gonna be what it’s gonna be. Today I’m giving myself lots of space to come in earlier if I want. Friday and Saturday sort of overstimulated my senses and I don’t think I’m up for another dose of that today. It means a 50 minute workout vs. a 70 minute workout. Still a great workout and the extra cold does add a higher tax on the body. Also, it is always that last 20 minutes that can really push you to the edge.

I get to the beach and even though the tide is under 4 feet, the water is coming all the way to the rocks. The mounds of rocks that hang out at the end of the shore have thankfully migrated a bit south of my usual start point so I don’t have to negotiate a small field of rocks to get to where I stash my pack. It does amaze me how far down the sand level is. There is a particular rock that I know sits in the sand on a normal day and now it is well exposed along with several boulders beneath it.

I start to make my way out in the water but quickly need to retreat and wait out this set of waves. The waves are small but they break right on the shore and just inches past this sort of ditch. It is interesting how this sand shift has completely altered the structure of the surf break here. The larger wave breaks way out past where they would normally break. Then they peter out, lose their white water and finally break again as a smaller wave right onshore.

Eventually my window of opportunity opens. I try to make my way into the ditch as fast as I can, take about two steps and then start swimming.

The water feels a little warmer today? At least I am trying to convince myself that is so. When I get to where I think the surf line is, waves just keep breaking so I keep swimming west.

The water is super cloudy. I’m in the brown creamy zone but shortly after I pass the waves, the clouds part into fairly clear water. It is kind of cool actually. You can see this well defined billowing cloud of what looks like brown dust and it is just darkness inside that cloud. On the other side is a whole different world of lovely blue water and rocks on the ocean floor.

As I swim south I notice how the girth of the brown zone changes in size along the beach. I seem to swim in and out of it as I move along.

To my east, I can see the large clouds (the ones in the air) looking over the beach bluff which stand in stark contrast to the blue skies directly above me. It’s as if the cloudscape both above and below the water are mirroring each other.

I’m really just trying to relax into the water. I got a little freaked out by my freak out on Saturday. So I try to make calm my center point.

Just before reaching my southern turn around point, the water gets super cloudy all over again - even more so that before. These clouds are more white than brown and the water is kind of churny (I just made up that word).

As I approach the end it seems like the waves that break against the cliffs are fairly large. I wonder why because today’s swell is pretty moderate in size. I turn around to head back north and as I look to my west, the oncoming wakes just look taller and steeper than usual. I think I was noticing this as I was coming down the stairs earlier. In the not too far distance, you could see decent sized wakes rolling in but then generating underwhelming breaks.

Not much further north and I decide to take myself up on the decision to head in before the swim to the bathrooms at the Salt Creek end. I’m just ready to be done and can feel that frazzled sensation coming on.

I eventually get to the spot I want to be before turning 90 degrees toward shore. It feels like I am way out here because I guess I am but I make it back to shore without incident or excitement. The floor just before it rises abruptly to dry land feels a little sandier today.

I towel off and make my way back to the car. I can sense a feeling of self-disappointment for the early end. I want to nip that in the bud right away. I watch thoughts roll through like “you let fear win” and “you didn’t get in a full workout” and “you could have made it if you just kept going.” These thoughts are totally toxic. I’m the only one I am swimming with out there and I have to trust my judgement. If I feel like I need to come in early then I need to come in early. I can second guess this decision in hindsight all I want. On the one hand hindsight provides a clarity that we may miss in the moment. On the other hand, the memory of hindsight can be terrible and I find it impossible to recollect exactly what I was feeling out in the water but I have to trust that the feelings were real and a reflection of my state at the moment which was the moment that mattered most at the time.