I leave the house at 7:30 this morning. There was some wispy fog on the beach earlier that temporarily obscured the Strands webcam and made it look like it was socked in but things seem all clear now.

It’s cold this morning. We are starting to get into the low 50s. I realize that is balmy for many climates including where I used to live near Seattle. I’m a wimp now.

When I get to the parking lot, it’s beautiful and clear. There is a small breeze creating just a little texture on the water.

The trip down the stairs is somewhat frigid. It’s not terrible by any means but I am only wearing trunks and looking forward to getting in the water which I am pretty sure is going to be more comfortable than out here in the breeze.

I make a quick pit stop at the lower bathrooms which I will not be talking about here but if anyone on the Orange County maintenance staff is reading this, we have a code red that needs attending to.

When I get to the beach, the water feels almost warm to my cold feet. There is another swimmer just heading to shore as I am heading out. We briefly comment on the water vs. air temperature. He mentions that he had stopped for a bit and got cold from the air exposure.

I begin heading south and the water feels good.

My mind is thinking both of a book I just finished, Jesus and John Wayne, a sort of history of Christian Nationalism and a documentary I watched most of last night, Jesus Camp. Both were incredibly interesting, but by the time I stopped watching the movie last night (which I intend to finish later), I felt like I was getting buried by this dark weight of some sort of sinister church.

The book covered a lot of ground. Essentially it was about the past 75 years of the evangelical movement. Now, at least to me, the word “evangelical” is sort of foggy. I heard that someone once asked Billy Graham what “evangelical” meant and he confessed that he wasn’t sure. I have always kind of thought it to be something a bit less rigid than all out fundamentalism but yet very conservative and fairly mainstream in the US. I think its main institutional leaders were the likes of Jerry Fallwell, Pat Robertson, and James Dobson. In my personal experience, the views and agenda of those individuals has a different vibe and focus than, say, the Calvary Chapels and Vineyards birthed here in Southern California. However I think the “core” beliefs of both are fairly aligned. At least they were when I was deep in that culture in the 70s and 80s. I attend a Vineyard affiliated church now and I am still getting a feel for it’s core values and beliefs. I tend to think that they may be more decentralized than they once were.

Anyways, the evangelical institution portrayed in the book is rooted deeply in patriarchy - men rule the roost - oh and they have to be “manly” men. They are racist, pro-military and pursue the spread of their beliefs in a militant fashion, they are very much anti-LGBTQ, they believe in the exclusivity of Jesus and it is important to note that their God is NOT the same as Allah. Their behavior is bullyish and they complain that the meek Jesus that many Christians follow is not their Jesus. Their Jesus is some kind of Rambo-like character.

Now it may be that the book paints an incomplete picture and I did wonder as I was listening to it, “is it really this bad?” Because it sounded really bad. I grew up in Christian evangelicalism, at least the Southern California flavor. Like any group you have some leaders and churches that fall along different points on a spectrum. While many will claim the same beliefs, they may talk about them with different tones and contexts that can give some a more palatable and approachable image. However I have seen enough to believe the basic point of the book and recognize that it was not completely off base.

I have to say I was relieved when I finished the book (yesterday). It’s disturbing. I have recently read the bible (a few times) and I have clearly come away with a totally different message than the people in this book are preaching. The message I got gives me hope and proclaims freedom to everyone…everyone. The message I hear from the individuals in this book and that I have honestly heard in real life as well is that God and Jesus are mean and certainly not tolerant. Jesus hangs out with sinners but after that hanging out, they better get their crazy act together. If you have feelings or experiences that lead you away from these core beliefs, well its certainly not the beliefs that need correcting or any kind of deconstruction whatsoever.

On the one hand, whatever. Humans are going to violently disagree until the end of time. I don’t have to convince everyone of my beliefs and I’ll be a happier person if I don’t get my feathers ruffled whenever I encounter folks who believe differently. What gets to me is that we live in a reality that is totally not black and white. I don’t think these people in this book intend to do harm - even those (and there are several) who have been accused of horrible abuse. I think most are trying to do what they think is right and what they think their god is calling them to do. They just have a totally different view on truth than I and many many others. What makes my truth more true than their truth or vise-versa?

The Jesus Camp movie just seemed to cement these feelings and gave the words and thoughts in the book more of a visual and emotional impact. The movie centers around this Christian kids camp somewhere in the Midwest. The camp is run and attended by individuals that are likely very much aligned with the thought leaders discussed in the Jesus and John Wayne book. It was tough for me to watch because you can see these kids being indoctrinated and their emotions toyed with. I see the shame begin to settle into their language like it had mine. They talk about not dancing in the flesh and the sin of doubting god. I will never forget being exposed to a series of James Dobson videos when I was in jr. high talking about the sin of masturbation. Now I didn’t even know what masturbation was at that age but I learned and the next 10 years were riddled with extreme guilt and self loathing. Thanks Dr. Dobson!

There are scenes where these kids are weeping over feeling the love of Jesus followed by scenes where they are dressing in fatigues and camouflage face paint and being taught to literally fight for their beliefs. If we have to put so much emphasis on the urgency to fight for our values and faith, then I wonder how strong they are to begin with. I am totally NOT an “end times” guy and tend to see the book of Revelations as more harmful than good but if you really believe the conservative interpretation of that book, do you need to be completely paranoid about preserving and spreading your values? I read that book, God wins in the end. If we don’t fight and have the ability to take up arms, is there a chance that God will not win? I’m not seeing that.

Anyways all of this just makes me kind of sad and not feel super great to be associated with church stuff. Even though this has not at all been my recent experience of church.

So as I am driving to the beach today, I am listening to a sermon by Chuck Smith, Jr. about the prayers of the pharisee and the tax collector. Jesus criticizes the pharisee for brining attention to himself in his prayer so everyone can hear him and basically praying in such a way that makes him look good. Jesus says we should pray like the tax collector who humbles himself and asks for mercy. Listening to this sermon sort of perked me up as Chuck makes comments about some of his own reactions to pharisaical Christians whom I am sure he has encountered quite a bit. I imagine he may be talking of some of the individuals mentioned in Jesus and John Wayne. This is what draws me to the bible and individuals like Chuck Smith Jr.. The message that we don’t need to puff ourselves up and we can just be ourselves and when we face divinity as our authentic selves we take on a posture of receptivity that allows us to receive grace. There is love in the universe that wants to give to everyone, but sometimes we can’t access it unless we can settle into who we truly are.

So as I swim today, I am looing for the Jesus that Chuck was talking about. I look for him in the water, I look fore him on the beach, I look for him in the sky and clouds, I look for him in the birds and the sound of the birds, I look for him in the waves and their mist that flies off the crest when they break. I look for him in the shade that falls on the water from the cliffs above. I look for him in the sun as it rises above the cliff’s edge. I look for him in the kelp that dances on the ocean floor.

I look and I think I find something there. I let myself settle into it and it feels good and right and real.

When the swim is finished I walk up the stairs and find myself wondering more about who is right. I’m wrestling with the thought mechanics that lead one person to religious militarism and another to grace. I’m struggling to determine if one perspective is more righteous than the other. Did one have more earnestness than the other? Did one try harder or have more pure intentions?

I realize at least for this five minute interval of my life that all I can do is reach for truth. I can only stretch out my arm to what I think is the light. I have to reach and reach and never stop reaching. I think maybe I have been doing this. I keep reaching because I remember how once I reached and there was love and I just want more. And I know there is much much more.