Skin and Bones

I left the house at about 7:45. It’s overcast and I really don’t expect the sun to come out at all soon. It’s been overcast all week and most days the sun comes out for just a couple hours in the mid afternoon.

I drive by Doheny and the water looks super smooth. There are a couple very ridable waves coming in just as I am passing and it looks like a great time to be out surfing and apparently a lot of others thought the same. There is already a good crowd out there.

When I get to the Strand parking lot, it looks a lot like it did yesterday. The main difference is the water is much smoother today than yesterday. However it is grey and gloomy just like yesterday.

I figure the water temperature is also going to be about the same as yesterday. This takes away any unease about getting into cold water. If we have even a near repeat of yesterday, there was nothing cold about the water. It will be nice. So I look ahead to the ocean with high expectations.

The surf looks a little smaller than yesterday but I see white water well beyond the waist deep zone and I wonder where that came from. Nothing is breaking there now. Hard to say why. Sometimes the white water creeps outward and sometimes you get a random larger set that breaks larger and farther out and perhaps one came in just before I could see the break.

Like yesterday, the main break is breaking far inshore. Although the waves are not big, they are not tiny. I walk out for what seems like just a few steps and one breaks right in front of me and it’s pretty much all over in terms of my level of wetness. Well I feel good. This water is definitely not cold.

I’m swimming north today. I’m not sure how far I’m going to go. I’d kind of like to swim longer than my usual one hour route to the golf course and back but I’m not sure I want to commit to an hour and 45 minute swim to Monarch Point and back so I will just play it by ear. Water visibility is the same today as it has been for the past several swims. Dark dark dark. At least the water is not gross but you can’t see anything on the floor.

I’m getting into the rhythm of the swim and it feels so good to be out here. There is a large boat sitting several hundred feet west of me. From my current position it is about the size of my thumb. I can see what looks like a small crowd hanging out on its deck. This boat becomes a focal point for a good portion of the swim. At first I only see it when I look ahead then I see it on nearly every breath except when a wake rises and obscures my western view.

After I turn around just in front of the Monarch Bay Beach Club, I see birds flying overhead from time to time and when I stop to look at them, there is that boat still lurking in the distance. At one point I see a few birds flying around the boat.

Heading back south I see the beach and the houses and the golf course and it all looks lovely and peaceful under this grey sky. I’m tying to touch something here. I’m opening my heart and reaching my hands around my skull to let loose my mind. I feel a tide-like ebb and flow of my ego, a constructed self. I run from it in order to connect with this thing or experience that I cannot articulate. As soon as I am aware of what I am running from, it pulls me back in. It’s like I get one foot onto the shore and can see the sun looming over the bluff and then I hear the wave behind me and its surge pulls me back out to sea and I forget what the sun ever even looked like. It’s like something I’ve only heard described but lack any direct experience. I’m lost in narrative and story. I want to feel the breeze that lies trapped in my imagination. Then there it is. I feel it and as soon as I am aware of it, it vanishes.

I’m looking ahead now toward the lifeguard tower and see the surfers and see some waves breaking far down the beach on the edge of the point. They look tiny but I can tell they are not. I mean I don’t think they are huge but they are ridable. I pull out my camera and it has powered off and I can’t turn it back on. Argh. I’m beginning to think something is up with this new camera and it’s ability to hold the battery charge. I’ve tried several batteries that claim to be fully charged on the charger and then my camera says they are only 85% charged. On the other hand I have been out over an hour already and have gotten almost 50 pictures but I know it should last longer than this.

I tell myself that it is not worth getting upset about this and I will figure it out and not worry about it now. That works pretty well. I swim the remainder of the route past the point fairly close to shore. The water looks smooth up to the beach and I can feel myself rise and fall as the waves come in and roll under me before breaking.

I finish up and the walk up the stairs is very nice. I’m still trying to make contact with that ineffable thing I was trying to touch out on the water. I let my mind rest on my body. I ask myself how do I feel right now in my body. I use my body and the sensations both inside and out to distract me from getting lost in ideas and word pictures and memories where I compare this feeling to that feeling. That thing that I reach for is here in my body and seeks contact on the body’s terms. My body expands and I am sure it is not confined only to skin and bones.

I get to the top of the stairs and shower. I plan on changing into clothes as I am going to be visiting with my parents and I try something new. I see surfers do this all the time where they wrap a big towel around their mid torso and change out of their water attire into dry clothes. They all seem pretty adept at this. I like the idea of not changing near a public toilet. All in all this works out pretty well but I feel there are some kinks in my style that I need to work out. It does feel a little odd changing clothes in full public view, but I can get used to this.