Sun Over My Shoulder

It was a different kind of day today from the past several swims. Cloudy skies prevail over Dana Point and we are still in the 50’s (air temp) as I leave my house at 10:45. That’s ok, every day can’t be paradise. Besides, the clouds do give things a nice mellow vibe.

As I drive up PCH, I can sense a sort of elusive brightness over my left shoulder. It’s similar to the feeling of being watched but you think you see sunlight only to look and realize it’s not there.

The water is calm when I get to the parking lot and I can see a small boat not far past the surfline with a diver flag on it. This makes me wonder if the water will be clear.

The tide is higher than it has been on my last few swims in the upper 3’s. That is still not that high but over the winter, the water comes up to the cliff up to the mid 4’s so I am surprised and delighted to see a whole lot of sand on the beach. This tells me the seasons are progressing and the beach is moving into Spring. For some reason, this gives me joy.

I get my stuff settled. I want to hurry this little part of the ritual. The cold water immersion is now about as imminent as it is going to get and my mind is fighting the dragons of dread all the while knowing the dragons are just ghosts and the water will totally be fine. I really think we are at 60 or above. That’s not warm but it is delightfully warmer than 59.

I walk to the water. These clouds are growing on me. It feels cozy. Or is it that the idea of finishing and returning home to hot coffee feels cozy? No time to over analyze this now.

I am soon off towards the south end of the beach. My arms are cold and I feel like I am just on the edge of an “ice cream headache.” I wonder to myself how I can imaging being comfortable in a few minutes but my higher self knows that is exactly what is destined to happen and lo and behold it does happen. Right about the point where I pass the lifeguard hut, everything kind of settles and I’m good.

Water does not seem any clearer today despite the divers in the water. It’s not particularly murkier either.

About two thirds down the beach I see something sticking out of the water from the corner of my eye. I stop to look and it is about 18 inches of a thin bamboo pole. I look under the surface and don’t see anything there. I swim closer and find that it is the end of a fairly long pole and I can’t see the other end so I grab it and its probably about 5 feet long and nothing is on the other end. That was anti-climactic.

Since I have stopped and all, I take in the 360 degree view. To the north over the hills of Laguna Niguel, I can see a brightness cast upon the green slopes. It’s like just a hint of sunlight or a pre-cursor to sunlight that is to come. Still, I really don’t have any hope or expectation that the sun will actually come out before this swim ends.

At the end of the beach, there is a guy a little further out than I am on what looks like a small dingy catching, or trying to catch, some fish. Those Laguna hills don’t look any brighter. I carry on north.

Now it begins. I get that elusive and ghostly flash of brightness over my shoulder. Hey, I see blue. Over the course of the northward journey, this little patch expands into several, innumerable patches among broken up cloud cover. By the time I am just past half way, it is really starting to feel like sunshine. The remainder of the swim feels like a gift. It is something received that was unexpected. Not that the day was ugly by any means before but this is super nice and whimsically pleasant.

The north bound leg goes by relatively quickly largely due to this gift. My mind feels so busy. I’m trying to fall into my breath but feel tossed about by random thoughts. These thoughts don’t have any kind of coherence or plot line. Just images or more like sensations. It’s like smelling colors. Whatever it is, I feel sort of entrapped by them (not in any necessarily horrible way) and blocked from a direct experience with the water. Then again, maybe this is my direct experience. This entrapment and disorientation I feel with sensations that don’t seem to honor any boundary of inside or outside - this is the experience.

I stop because the sky catches my attention and demands that I give it a good look. What a lovely day this is turning out to be. I can hardly believe how nice this is.

The swim ends, I grab my stuff and get to my car. My camera is fighting with my phone to download my pictures but I will say no more about that.

As I pull into my neighborhood, Snatam Kaur’s “Hallelujah” comes on my Spotify play list. The title is the only word in the entire song. I find it utterly beautiful and it makes me want to cry.