The Journal Talks Back

It’s a good thing I started this blog because otherwise I would not remember when the last time was that I saw the sun. As I left my house today at 11:00 it was cloudy and drizzling.

I get to the parking lot and the ground looks dry. There are so many micro climates in Dana Point. It will often feel sultry at my house in the evening and then a 10 minute drive away at the harbor it feels quite cool. I live on a bit of a hill and the clouds tend to coalesce in my neighborhood and it can be drier (like today) at the beach.

The water looks very smooth and the air is still. I put my keys in my new lock box and attach it to my door handle. I no longer need to carry them on me. The intent is to feel less paranoid about losing my key but now I wonder what if this contraption doesn’t work? Spoiler alert: it worked!

I am chilly as I head down the stairs and I walk down a bit faster then normal because I think this is one of those days where I will be warmer in the water than out of it.

The water does feel warm on my feet when I reach the beach. It’s high tide and the surf is down.

More and more rocks have been accumulating on the shore line over the last fortnight and there is still that precipitous drop just a few feet beyond the water’s edge.

I begin my southern stroll to Dana Point (the actual point). The water definitely feels cooler than it did on Tuesday but it’s not bad. I do feel warmer than I did coming down the stairs and then even warmer after turning around for the northern return. It is good to be here.

I’m trying to keep a calm mind. My thoughts have been hectic this week for various reasons. A couple of days ago, I was ranting to my journal which is always super helpful. While this blog is sort of a journal, I do have a journal journal for words I am absolutely sure no one wants to hear and I don’t have to worry about sounding (or actually being) cray cray. The beautiful thing about journal writing is that often the journal talks back. After laying yourself out naked, your naked self usually has some helpful things to say. You can call this God, Holy Spirit, Higher self or whatever. I think everyone on the planet has access to it. Anyways the main thing I got out of this on Wednesday was to be calm. I’m having these feelings and thoughts and adding a bunch of drama on top that are just thoughts. All sorts of visions of terrible outcomes and conversations that go no where. However as I look around me none of these conversations have transpired and none of these outcomes have come to pass but as I live them out in my mind I expose myself to their pain.

So since that afternoon I have been paying closer attention to my breath throughout the day and just steadying my thoughts. It reminds me of one of my favorite stories in the gospels where Peter sees Jesus walking on the water and he wants to walk out to him. Jesus says, “yeah man, come on out.” Then Peter notices these waves around him and gets scared and starts to sink. Jesus grabs him and says, “why are you freaking out? It’s all good here.” To me, my breath becomes Christ - a peace that transcends the storm. The further I lean into my breath, the more protected I feel from the storm of my thoughts and fears.

I get to the end of the swim and this grey day feels very peaceful. As I near the climb to shore, I hear the waves moving the rocks up and down the edge of the shore. It sounds very much like the high pitched motor of a boat and for a moment I think there is one close by but I am way too far inside.

The walk up the stairs is far more pleasant than the walk down. I am warm and somewhat buzzed by my aquatic experience. I’m also happy when the lock box combo I programmed earlier actually opens the lock box.