Early start this morning. Need to be home by 7:30 to get my foster son ready for church. So I am off and away at about 5:25. It’s just starting to get light out and there is a solid mist in the air. Lightly foggy here and I wonder if it’s gonna be too socked in at the beach for swimming. Looking at the webcams, I can see the waves breaking which tells me I will likely have a good enough view of the shore. However I also know that fog conditions can change quickly for better or worse.

As I am entering the parking lot, it sure does seem foggy, but as I approach the edge of the bluff, I notice that I can see out to the horizon and I can also see both points bordering the North and South ends of the strand. Visibility is not going to be a problem. Walking down the stairs, the lights are still on and I am the only one heading to the shore at this time.

I’m looking forward to getting in the water today. I have not been feeling my best self for the last day and am hoping this swim can somewhat clear my head. While I absolutely love a sunny morning on the beach, this misty grey is very welcome today. It soothes my nerves. I get in the water and it is cool but refreshing. The surface is super smooth and I make my way past some small waves that look like formless liquid rising from grey void holding just the faintest reflection of light before crashing into foam.

I begin to swim out and then South. I pass the tips of kelp stalks rising from the dark ocean floor. The tips float on the water’s surface and seem to capture what little light this morning has to offer and they are glowing light sandy brown bulbs providing small festive outcroppings sparsely populating the vastness of this water.

I’m trying to wash off this sense of things not being quite right. While I can certainly pinpoint things in my life that get me down, I can’t seem to trace any of them to this feeling I have. This is something I have sporadically experienced as long as I can remember. It’s frequency and intensity varies over the years. It does not affect me quite so negatively as it did when I was younger. It’s not that I understand it more now but rather have grown more accustomed to not understanding it. It’s a phenomenon that I am able to identify but can never quite describe. It used to be a force that would blindside me. I had no awareness of its borders or climate. Like a ghost it would whisper in my ear and pull me down into a swamp of misery. Now I perceive it like the light turned sideways. It illuminates but it’s off kilter and I have no idea why and no clue how to right it. I hold this like a chill in my heart. I try to feel its borders radiating through my torso. I seek to let go of changing or eliminating the feeling. I sense that the only way out is through.

This swim seems to move quickly. It feels good to be in this cool, grey pool. I reach the South end and take a few pictures. With this morning light, I can actually see what I am shooting on my camera’s screen. It seems like after mid morning, there is just too much glare and the screen is just black.

Turning around I head North and I can see the Northern point through a grey mist in the distance. It feels like swimming through liquid silk. Occasionally I see small bumps and specs on the surface from the floating seaweed. Below the surface is an iridescent blue that fades to black at the bottom. That Northern point grows larger and larger, crisper and crisper until I see it’s bald edge of sandy and coarse rock that sits beside rugged green brush. I turn around just past Bob Marley today and don’t bother swimming out to the Green Monster.

I head back to my starting point that is also my ending point. When I get to the spot where I turn toward shore, I take a picture of the boxy house that always serves as my landmark. The house is unique enough that it is easy to spot and there are no rocks in the area in front of it to avoid.

I reach the sand and this morning air feels good on my skin. The climb up the stairs is quiet and peaceful. I see a group of swimmers in the parking lot preparing to head down to the beach. They all have wetsuits which just seems like it would be uncomfortable in this water but I assume they must be fine with it. I don’t at all want to judge what one chooses to bring into the water with them. Personally I enjoy the intimacy of bare skin in ocean. I feel like it gives me an unfiltered connection with the air and water.