Weaving a Better Story

Left the house at about 7:20. I was feeling just a tad under the weather but not enough to skip a swim. Yesterday I felt a bit sub-par but after the swim I felt great. Jumping ahead to the time of this writing, I am having the same results today.

It’s in the 40’s when I am leaving and the thought of getting into ocean water just feels surreal. I don’t let myself think too much about these things. I just put myself on auto-pilot all the way to the water. There is no question of whether I will get into the water or not. I just commit to it and lo and behold before you know it, I’m in the water.

I get to the parking lot and it is an absolutely beautiful morning as these crisp mornings often are. It’s funny how the Fall and Winter months sport the best of sunny morning skies on average with frigid water. Come Spring and Summer, the water may be warmer but mornings are often, if not usually, cloudy.

As I walk down the stairs, I’m mostly in the shade and cold. Every now and then the sunshine pokes through an opening and I can feel the warmth.

By the time I get to the sand my feet are super cold. When the water hits them, although the water is by no means warm, it breaths life into my frozen feet and feels good.

The surf is present but noticeably smaller today. There is a decent pack of surfers out.

I set down my things and head out for the water. It’s still a few hours from high tide so it is not too full and there is plenty of sand.

The water does not feel all that bad. It is for sure cool but compared to the air temperature it’s not like jumping from the fire into the frying pan - or whatever is the opposite of that metaphor.

I begin to swim past the surf line and the most noticeably different thing from the last few swims is that the water visibility is much improved. It’s not great but I can see the ocean floor.

I don’t really think it is any colder today than it has been. Not a lot of sunlight has had the chance to saturate the water surface so it might be a degree cooler than yesterday. However the cold seems to get to me a little sooner today. Perhaps because of my under the weatherness? I don’t know. I also wonder if my sickness is just an excuse for my mind to feel cold because I heard somewhere that can impact one’s warmth.

I use my usual tactics of swimming into the cold. I am constantly analyzing my physical feelings and sensations and monitoring them for “suffering.” I don’t find it. The fact is I am cold. I’m not being stabbed with daggers or hit with a blunt object. I have the sensation of cold which actually seems kind of neutral at its core but my mind reacts with fear. I am continually reminding myself that this is just a feeling. Can I just change my mindset and reframe this experience to one of exhilaration. Every now and then I feel like I am on the border of just that.

I am reflecting on Barbara Hernandez, the Chilean ice swimmer I heard interviewed the other week. She has swam in water that is in the 40’s for well over an hour. She also does not look like she has a ton of body fat like many other ice swimmers. What separates her from me? Sure she trains for this but I bet there is a good deal of mindset difference.

Last year when I swam my second Winter, I wondered if my body would feel warmer. It didn’t really feel warmer but I did have an easier time than the first Winter. The best way I could describe this is that my relationship to the cold had shifted. The cold was still just as cold but I was more confident in my body’s ability to persevere. I am hoping this shift continues each year.

For now I try to find that space where cold is just cold. I try to spin a story in my head of cold as friend.

One may wonder why one would do this at all with these constant battles in my head with cold. I can get worked up about it. I guess I have two main reasons for persisting. First, I really do think it is superb exercise physically, mentally and spiritually. I want to face stress and adversity with more equanimity and I feel like this helps me outside of the water with that. Second, and perhaps primarily, when the swim is over I feel absolutely fantastic. Even if I am shivering like crazy, I am followed all day with this incredible experience and memory of being in this beautiful place and having survived the elements despite their difficulty.

Probably because of the improved water clarity, I see plenty of fish today. On a couple occasions I am in the middle of a school of Corbina and it feels like they are swimming right along with me as I remain in their midst for several minutes.

I eventually finish up the swim. I don’t bother toweling off because I plan to shower at the bathrooms up top and don’t want my towel to be wet. I’m cold but it’s not totally terrible.

I shower off and change my clothes and have plenty of time to grab coffee before church.

I thoroughly enjoy the drive up PCH into “downtown” Laguna Beach.

Church is great. I tell myself not to analyze the song lyrics or the prayers. This is sacred space and I am here to soak in something that lies beyond logical analysis. I forget the words but don’t forget the words and let myself fall into the melodies and the message of love and gratitude and intimacy with our source.

During the sermon I catch myself criticizing some point I don’t agree with regarding salvation. First, given my views and the lineage of this church, no one will agree with me and unless my views change no one ever will. So I might as well just make peace with that. I recognize how I become my own sort of fundamentalist judging others for their incorrect belief. Who do I think I am judging anyone’s experience or idea of salvation? If someone has an experience by which they felt transformed, that is wonderful.

On the whole, I get a lot out of today’s sermon on one of the chapters of Philippians. I am excited hen the pastor talks about how he is saddened by “angry Christians.” I am super excited when he mentions that the pastoral staff has no problem and encourages women teachers and consider the biblical instruction not to let women teach a cultural issue that has since changed. I can’t keep myself from clapping when I hear that (which is super super super untypical of me) and then even more delighted when several others follow.

Then there are a couple comments at the end that I totally disagree with but what did I expect. I do appreciate the pastor’s heart. I have absolutely no doubt that he says all these things with love. That is why I keep coming back.

One of the comments was a sort of derogatory shout out to “progressive, liberal” teaching. Well guess what camp I belong to? The funny thing is that if I never discovered the progressive, liberal Christian authors, I would not be in this church. I do think it is important to maintain an element criticalness, but I don’t want to get all hot and bothered unless something truly damaging is being said.

I am wondering how much these inner arguments are like the arguments I have in the cold water. I am presented by stimulus I find unpleasant and I weave a story that determines how I experience that stimulus. If I disagree with others does that make them bad or not worth my time to hang out with? I need to weave a better story.