I was in a dark mood this Saturday morning. Yesterday evening I was hit by a wave of depression. I’m struggling with a certain relationship. I just don’t know how to deal with the circumstances around this struggle. It involves other parties who I can’t control but are creating tension and conflict with an individual I love very much. Conflict is my kryptonite. So I’m super frustrated about not knowing what to do but I’m also super sad about the whole situation. I’m walking my dog Ocean when I am overcome by this sadness. It literally feels like a wave of grey pressure breaking over my heart. I decide to try and NOT try to figure it out but let the wave settle. I think sometimes we need to hold space with the darker feelings we meet. Maybe they are trying to teach us something. I try to listen not for language or even ideas but with my heart. Just rest in the pain and allow it. I hope that a path forward will show itself.

I’m also super tired because I have not gotten much sleep all week and coming off a sort of high from that podcast I was on. So I’m kind of just crashing in this overwhelm of gloom. I get to bed early last night, but still feeling dumpy when I wake up. This morning I need the water. During meditation I focus on remaining present with these feelings. The half hour often feels like it goes by too fast and today I wish I could remain sitting longer but I’ve got plans. Want to be back from the beach by 8 to take our foster son to the Easter egg hunt at Pines park. So I’m out the door earlier this morning: about ten minutes after six. Its well after light and it is cloudy and 54 degrees out. The air feels mostly comfortable with long sleeves on.

I can see about three surfers out at Doheny as I drive by but no one is out at the strand quite yet. The stairway lamps are still lit and the water looks pretty bumpy but the air feels still. I look out onto the never ending expanse of grey water. I want to be in it no matter how cold this morning. Often I feel some amount of dread of the cold on a grey morning but not today. I need the cold today to wash over me. I need to be held in this oceanic body of life. I’m hoping it will shift my view. I’m hoping it will stir this dark energy and infuse me with a new vision for the day.

The surfers call this time of the day “dawn patrol”. I’m not familiar with where that term originally came from. It was not a term I remember from when I surfed in the 80s. It’s usually the best time of the day to surf. The winds tend to be at their most calm and thus the surf is the cleanest. I know what “clean” means but I really don’t know how exactly to describe it. Basically the shape and overall rideability of the waves are the most conducive to good surf.

The water feels good on my feet and then my legs and then my torso and then I’m in the thick of it swimming past the surf. The water temperature is probably about the same as yesterday but “feels” better today. There is definitely more current to contend with than yesterday but I like it. I’d say visibility is a touch better as well but there is no sun to interact with the ocean flora. When I get to the south end and turn around I am facing out to sea (west). Perhaps one day my swimming mechanics will improve and I will be able to breath on both sides. Currently I always breath to my left. I see some blue sky off in the distance that looks pretty cool intermixed with the clouds.

I’m focusing on the water. I’m focusing on each stretch of the arm carrying me forward. I feel the slap of the tops of my feet on the waters surface. I turn around again to finish off the swim. I am visited by memories of my childhood on this exact spot of beach. They are good memories. I remember my grandparents who originally located this beach in the late 50s. I try to imagine their trailer that they had here before the mansions of today. I feel their love. I feel the love of my own parents who loved this beach. Like anyone else my childhood and highs and lows but this beach represents almost exclusively the highs.

I get out of the water and am feeling good. I go to the Easter egg hunt with my family at Pines Park and feel even better. We have breakfast at RJs across from the Dana Point Harbor and its great.