I left the house a little before 7 this morning. It is my foster son’s 2nd birthday today and I want to get the swim done early.

It is cloudy and it was a little drizzly earlier but nothing significant enough to call off the swim.

I’m itching to get in the water. This could be a narrow window of opportunity since rain is due tomorrow and for most days over the next 10 days. There is also a big swell in the long range forecast which may or may not happen but if it is the size predicted (it’s usually not) then I won’t want to swim when it comes.

It’s just now getting light and it is hard to tell as I drive by Doheny just what the surface conditions are like. I can’t gauge the swell size at all since Doheny does not seem to be responding to this NW swell like Strands is.

I get to the parking lot and things are super peaceful here. The sky is almost completely grey with just a few hints of blue peeking through. These clouds are like a warm blanket over the frigid water. The air temp is in the mid 50’s so its not a biting cold at all.

The ground is wet and it is just a little misty out. While I do love (and prefer) a sun shiny day, this is a very nice and pleasant landscape. I just love the view of the cloudy coast up through Laguna Beach and reaching all the way to San Pedro.

My “cold water dread” level is pretty low this morning. As I walk down the stairs, the ocean surface looks like butter. There is still surf out in the water but it is much more calm than it was Tuesday. It’s pretty much just the way I like it - enough surf to make things interesting but not big enough to hold you under.

When I get to the water, it is mid to low tide - probably 2.x ft. The water feels surprisingly pleasant. Maybe because my feet are cold from the wet cement. I would not call this warm but it feels nice.

There are lots of small rocks on the sand right where the water meets the sand. As I walk out, there are lots of small dips on the floor. I’m guessing this is all aftermath from the swell this week.

After I am in chest deep, I start swimming and dive under a few oncoming waves. I don’t think the water has gotten warmer but on the last few swims, the initial plunge has seemed almost “easy.” It lacks that intense initial jolt.

I start swimming south and things are pretty great out here. The water is a pretty turquois blue and visibility has been cloudy for the last week or so.

The cold feels almost inviting. I give myself over and yield to the cold.

The current feels like it is flowing against me but not strong. Everything feels hushed and subdued in this early morning overcast.

When I get to the southernmost turnaround point, I take a few pics of this grey expanse. It looks like I am looking through a blue tint and the water looks magically soft.

I start heading back north now. Not long afterwards, I can begin to see the rising sun out of the corner of my eye. I pause to get a better look and there is a light emerging from just behind the southern point. It reaches north and around and casts a glow onto this beach. The clouds above look almost watery and are all different shades of grey and blue in this light.

I keep heading north and eventually a thin strip of golden light begins to glow just above the ocean surface and just under the puffy clouds in the distance. Those western clouds look like a long procession in a parade of puffy cloud after puffy cloud, each one loosely joined to the next. The grey blue of these clouds and the water all just seem to blend into one another. As I stare east, the water out to the horizon just looks like a blur.

I fall deeper and deeper into this cold. Unlike some days, I don’t feel any discomfort or anxiety. I want to find the center of the cold and stay there for a while. The cold lifts my mind from my sense of self and draws me into an empty expanse.

As I swim one stroke after the other, I want to yield to this water and find rest in the cold. Yield…yield…yield echoes like a mantra in my mind. Can I trust the energies of the currents that lead me forward to carry me to where I need to be? Both inside and outside the water? Can I lay down the persona I think I need to erect that struggles to impose its will upon the flow of my life and attempts to forge a path come hell or high water to wherever I imagine my holy grail to exist? I fear that unless I “do something” I will lie and languish and wither away. All the while this current is all I need to sustain me.

I am now at my northern turnaround. The cold is strong. I breath out hard and the air sprays water onto the viewfinder of my camera. It’s all good. I only need to swim back to my towel and sweatshirt - a short 10 minutes south.

I swim and face the houses on the cliff to the east of me. I have swum this stretch so many times, watching these houses pass by is like watching a familiar movie for the millionth time. First is the public bathrooms, then a small vacant cliff side, then the house under construction, then the white huge house. Eventually there is that gawdy rounded house and then some smaller, simpler houses that are probably in the more affordable 10-15 million dollar range. Then finally, the boxy modern house. Time to head east and finish.

I dry off and head back to the car. I am shaking most of the way home as my body struggles to right its core temperature. I look miserable and maybe even a little demented or maybe a lot demented but I love this feeling.