Topsy Turvy Jumbly Water

Early start today heading out at 6:15. The light was just starting to come out but it was still mostly dark.

A pretty decent showing of surfers as I pass Doheny. They look like a small group of ants in their wetsuits waiting for the next wave.

When I get to the parking lot I notice the water looks a little bumpier than normal for this time of day. I did notice in today’s forecast that there was an 8 knot wind due to come down about 7-8 AM and then set to rise again my mid to late morning which is totally normal.

Like yesterday, I’m out of sorts still and the mornings and evenings tend to be the roughest. I’m clearing my mind as I walk down the stairs and trying to internalize the environment around me.

At this time of the morning, it’s easy to assume the water will be on the cooler side. However, the wet sand feels warm and the water feels fairly comfortable. Not much different from yesterday afternoon.

The surf seems to have come up a notch since yesterday. I wait out a set before taking off.

I’m swimming and wondering how the red tide situation will be today. It is hard to tell in this light. The water is a sort of grey, silvery color. I’d say the entire first half of the swim felt pretty topsy turvy with the water all jumbly.

The light surrounding the southern point (aka Dana Point) is a bluish pink.

I’m trying to lean into my feelings. I have this sense that the only way out of this pain is through. Now I totally do not want to be a drama queen and I’ve been thinking about this lately. I have absolutely been guilty of creating a drama over events and subsequent feelings in my life. We all do this and it can be dangerous to feed that monster. However, I think I have been more guilty in my life of stuffing emotion and pain and pushing it away. Perhaps that is even more dangerous. Sometimes when I feel tears coming on, my knee jerk reaction is “don’t be such a baby.” Not necessarily in those words but that is the sentiment. I want to find authentic grief (or authentic anything for that matter).

So I try to feel my heart. I feel the waves of feeling that pulsate through it. I notice the temperature of the feeling and the pressure. The feelings come in waves with a cold electricity that seems to carve out a hollow space in the center of my chest. Then just as it feels as though it will collapse, the next wave comes.

I eventually reach the south end of the swim and notice that I have somehow strayed quite a bit offshore. I’m further out than I normally am and this terrain seems a bit unfamiliar. I see some rocks fairly close by that I am not used to seeing and I am eager not to hang around and begin the trip back north.

Not far into the northward journey, I see the water suddenly come to life as if someone turned on a light. The sun has just crested the cliff behind me and is now shining directly into the ocean. It is amazing how this all happens in a matter of seconds.

Now as I continue, the water seems to get more and more brown. The topsy turvy surface starts to calm and flatten a bit and the surf feels like is it coming up just a tad.

As I near my northern terminus, a group of swimmers is upon me. I see two swimmers pass me. Then I see a flock of birds fly by and I stop to take in that view and am literally ran over by a swimmer right behind me. We say our sorries and he moves on. These encounters always seem strange but they also amuse me. 99% of the time I am totally alone in the water. There are no swim lanes out here and the one lane there is seems infinite in breadth yet we still run into each other. Is there some sort of gravitational pull drawing us together?

Well as the swim is nearing an end and the light of the morning dominates more and more of the sky, I do begin to feel a peace blanketing my darkness. Somehow things don’t feel quite so hopeless and I feel a sort of pulse of joy from the beauty all around me. This is a very beautiful morning here in the water.

I reach the shore and make my way up the stairs. I feel the warmth of the sun fall upon me. It amazes me how this literal ball of fire that exists an almost incomprehensible distance away in cold cold space can spread its energy in such a palpable way. The warmth and the source of warmth need no euphemism. They are exactly what they are and it is miraculous yet entirely mundane.