Meeting in the Middle

Left the house a little after 11 today. It was sunny and very warm.

When I arrived at the beach there was quite a bit of bump on the water. It looked fairly similar to yesterday - not incredibly choppy but the trip north was gonna require some extra effort.

I’m heading down the stairs and I am making an effort to empty my thoughts and focus on the physical elements around me.

I have some issues whirling in my mind yesterday and today that are deeply disturbing to me and I don’t see a path forward. I’m trying to let myself just feel the feelings that are arising. I don’t see value in trying to figure them out right now.

I get to the beach and the water feels about the same as yesterday - cool but very very nice.

I start heading out and as I head south, I can easily tell that the current is in my favor. It seems like I make my way to the southern cliffs in pretty quick order.

I turn around and I am continuing to open my heart to the feelings that wash over me. I feel sorrow, confusion and overall agitation. I can see the end result that I hope will transpire but I don’t clearly see the road that leads from here to there. Ideas surface as to certain actions I can take but each has undesirable side effects with probabilities that I am not comfortable with.

The water, while extremely comfortable is super brown and, dare I say, ugly. I was reading just the other day about a red tide in the area which is unseasonable for September.

I push on. As I suspected, this journey north runs against the grain. I see the parallel between this north bound swim against the current and my own personal struggle. There is so much uncertainty in terms of specific strategy but I know one thing. I have to keep my vision, and my momentum facing forward. I must finish the swim. I must set my sights on the outcome I know is right and possible.

I try to inhabit the energy that I know to exist in that outcome. Who do I need to become to see it through. What is the nature of the consciousness that brings that outcome to fruition. It is something I can feel inside of me although I do not know the step by step direction to take.

I’m searching for grace here. I’m reaching for mercy. I’m hoping my effort and God’s grace can somehow meet in the middle to get to the place I feel that I need to be.